Thoughts on Love and Marriage

These days I have been thinking about this issue quite a lot that it's terrifying. I have been single for some time now, I am enjoying the carefree single life at the moment, but these days these questions keep popping up at the back of my mind:

Is my calling towards marriage vocation or singlehood vocation?

and...

How do I know which one I'm being called for?

then...

If marriage life, then, who is it going to be? How or when am I going to meet him? Have I even met him already?

and most importantly...

How do I recognize him, that God have chosen for us to get together?

***

My thoughts on single/religious life is not that bad. In fact, I once thought of how nice it would be if I become a nun, and pray to God everyday, learn about Him as much as I can, and help people. I can have orphaned kids as my 'children', teaching them God's way, and watch them grow up to be children of God. It's just that they are not blood related to me. I feel like it's no big deal. My parents might dislike the idea of not having the future blood related offspring though, but I really don't mind.

But, I've always been fascinated by this thing call 'love'. I've always thought that being in love, getting married and having kids are what is meant for me. My whole life I've been preparing, and been prepared for, this path.

I had some experience with relationships before, long term, complicated, ones. And definitely mistaken ones. While the experience have embedded me and lots of other people with permanent and regretful scars, it was through these hard lessons that I learn about love the most. So much so, to the point that it seems impossible for me to believe that I will ever be in a relationship anymore. Simply because I don't believe there is a guy out there who would be both of these two main things:

1. A man dedicated in honestly serving God.
2. A man who would be able to sincerely accept me for who I am, all of my past, and willing to sacrifice so much in sharing the burden of the present and future with me.

And of course, it would only be fair to him that I be for him just as he be both of those two things for me.

The second thing is the main reason why I feel like marriage is impossible for me. All the guys that I have met and surrounded by so far are truly kind gentlemen, some very much fulfil No. 1.

But the thing is, so far I found no evidence in any man who would likely do No. 2 for me. Someone who could have better options than to opt for me, who deserves a girl much better than me, and yet would skip all those and sacrifice so much purely out of love for me. There's just so much that a guy can handle.

No one knows much or deep into my past, and my background... The only one who did, is not able to handle the future of it with me.

I wouldn't in my conscience let the guy that I love to have to face all these, anyway... So, as you can see, I am conflicting myself here.

In a way, I feel rather melancholic in pondering this. How I see myself : I am a woman with worth and values, constantly trying to be a better person, as I have promised to God, capable (in the future, not now) of being a good wife and mother, but, I am a woman with certain baggage I can't get rid of. It takes a saint to be able to accept me fully with all that I am.

I guess that is why in certain times, I sometimes subconsciously seems to sabotage potentials for relationships beyond friends, not because I am not interested in committed relationships and just want to fool around, but mainly because I don't want to get hurt in knowing that no man is strong enough to handle who I really am.

I can recall strongly the words that I said to my ex-boyfriend when he courted me: Who I need, is someone really strong. Are you strong enough to handle me?

I bet during that time, I was just trying to act cool and didn't realize what I was talking about. 

This is why, I find much comfort in knowing God's love. Talking about strong enough. He died on the cross carrying all the sins of everyone in human history, along with all the sufferings and pain that every single human being have ever felt on earth.

Some romanticist may think of this as a bummer, but, it is plain truth that no other love can fulfil a human's heart but God's love. I was a romanticist before, I did not believe in this statement before, but now, despite not being able to fully comprehend this truth, I have faith in this ultimate love.

This is simply because I can think of it this way: I might die tomorrow, I might die any time soon. If I die still within God's grace, then I shall get to heaven (or maybe purgatory first then heaven), and there is no need for me to be looking for man's love, because I will be fully united and fully exhumed in His love. I have felt His love at certain point in this life, at certain level, sometimes even more than the love that my family and friends could give me. How much more would it feel like when I am face to face with Him some day?

Then why do I even bother with this issue on love and marriage then? To be honest, although can easily be learnt, I can't clearly explain it. Why does God say, 'It is not good for man to be alone', and then give Adam the gift of Eve?

By the way, it is all being explained excellently in the book of Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II (I read and recommend the beginner's book version by Christopher West). The truth is been made so blindingly plain that you can't miss the whole point of love and marriage there.

***

I've been reading some articles on this topic, apart from as a reminder and point of reference to myself if I get depressed on this matter again some day, I would like to share some of the readings that really, to me, right on target. They might ring true in your heart too:

God gives us all a season of singleness to serve him... Before we can truly love another, he wants us to be secure and content in his love alone.

But we should be honest with ourselves, so that we're not trying to become content with him so that he'll give us what we want. If we are genuine with him, and we cling to him in our loneliness, he can give us true peace in a time of fear and sadness. In our greatest times of loneliness, he can inspire us to look beyond ourselves to serve those who are far lonelier than we are. If you notice, the happiest people on earth are those who forget about themselves. The saddest people are those who forget about others because they never stop thinking about themselves.

If a woman does not learn to be content now, then when she is married she may wish she were still single. After all, marriage does not change you internally; you are still the same person.

Your job is to give your singleness to Christ. Keep your eyes on him instead of on potential future spouses... learn to find your joy by trusting in God. After marriage you might never again have the time to serve God without restrictions.

A mature relationship needs to develop without having to rely on games. If you need to pretend to be someone you are not in order to win another’s heart, then what will happen in the long run? The entire relationship will be built on deception. This is the opposite of love, which “rejoices with the truth”.

Luke chapter 12. It asks why we're worried about the huge things in life when we don't even have control over the little things. Cling to God and keep your eyes on Him, and He won't let you miss the person He has in mind for you. 

... sit still and follow His voice, His will can unfold more perfectly in our lives. Confidently put your future (and past) in His hands, and know that He always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him. 

... open the door to a friendship. If you want love to last, lasting friendship is the best foundation you can give it.

... committed relationships should be entered into for the sake of discerning marriage. When we do enter into relationships, we should allow wisdom to chaperone romance. This involves having the humility to become accountable to others.

These are some of the principles of courtship: ask God's blessing at the beginning of a relationship; enter it with direction, toward discerning marriage; involve the families; be accountable to others; pace yourselves as you spend time together; and always listen for the Lord's guidance. 

This is a funny one that I came across:

Do you really want a guy who doesn't think you're worth chasing? It would be like a princess hopping out of the castle and slaying the dragon because she's afraid her knight in shining armor is too scared to do it himself. If that's the case, she's better off locked up in the tower.

LOL

Aah. So much comfort in learning these wise advice. <http://www.chastity.com/>http://www.chastity.com/