Rising above this storm

Someone said to me something that hurts me like hell. Not because who said it, but because of the things being said. And how it being said.

If I want to reflect on what has been said, maybe there are some truth to it, regretfully said. But definitely not the whole truth. What an unfair thing done to me.

Let's call this 'thing' as image X.

Image X is something that I found to be quite a big issue for me since last year, and since then, I have been trying so hard, with as much wisdom as I can gather with my small brain, to understand what I should do to get rid of Image X. Because of the pain that I had to endure with Image X, I totally despise it, and refuse to be associated to it, and thus, you can say I am anti-Image X.

Those were the days of turbulence. Now is a more peaceful days when I thought with God's grace, I have managed to overcome Image X. Or at least, doing better with dealing with Image X. I was not even thinking about it much. Because the thing is, the more one thinks about Image X, the more one is actually portraying Image X.

But now I am being accused of Image X again.

What an irony. What I hate, is being labelled on me, again.

God, guide me. I don't know what to do. I was so confident before that I have been able to overcome my emotions with intellect, and can make good decisions based on what is right, and wrong. Now I am totally confused. Like a friend said, I am my own worst critic, I cannot not do it in order for me to get rid of image X. But to do it, at the same time, it is also portraying image X.

The person who said it, I know he meant well, well, I HOPE he meant well, but he said it in the most malicious way that it would only do me harm but no good at all. There are better ways to do this, and better situations, which would be effective. Plus, some uncomfortable thoughts cross my mind. Is this the type of thing that he said to JUST me, or does he give this kind of harsh comments to many other people? I mean, people don't so out of the blue do this to other people unless they have some sort of issues themselves, or at least faulty way of thinking. I've always thought that Christians should fight for what is right firmly, but with the spirit of charity. I don't feel the spirit of charity at all. Quite the contrary, I feel like as though I am being targeted to be a prey like a mouse being targeted by an eagle. Like a friend said, I should give myself a break, and give others the benefit of the doubt as well. Nobody's THAT perfect to be able to tell other people off just like that, although I do admit I have always been so less of a perfect than normal people. Aah. Another reason for me to feel like I am an outcast and don't fit in. Because who I am does not conform to the norm of most people. Just when I do not think about my differences compared to others, and started to feel like I fit in.

And then more uncomfortable afterthought of these question marks, and then more, which I would rather keep to myself.

Thing is, I have beginning to slowly think and act in the exact opposite of Image X, and comments like that is just going to discourage and confuse me so much. Like all my effort and confidence have gone down the drain.

My fault either, because I'm just so good at giving people the misunderstood image of myself. To the point that someone who knows half side of me, thinks that he knows all about me by now, much better than any of my closer friends and family, and thus have the right to judge me based on half of the things he sees or hears. I hope he will not think so highly of himself of his right and position to give me advice, because although I did wish for a brother for advice, that act was not brotherly to me. Brotherly to him, maybe, I don't know, but absolutely not brotherly to me, because he really do not know me well enough to know what's actually good for me, it seems.

I can only say, I am foolish, because despite how I have changed inside, it is never really proven on the outside. But nor will I suddenly show myself to be all holy and perfect outside, and level my outer self to the standard of other people, because I need my own pace, and to me that is not being true to myself. People when changing themselves to be a better person need not proof themselves to the world, nor that they need to change according to what people think of the level and standard and pace that other people think as right.

But I definitely can't help myself to get affected. Expect someone who is not as lively, or quieter after this. I cannot fake myself to be happy if I feel as horrible as this, and if I feel like it is wrong for me to be always happy and loud and hyper. And for as long as I feel like I have no 'room to breath', like now.

I have no confidence in myself on changing myself, never have, and never will, but all my confidence I put in my God. Because He knows me best. And I know this because I have promised to Him that fateful night, when I vow to choose Him over anything in the world, and now that I put my will in His hands, he will guide me to right path, in the right pace. No man can bring me down, nor exert their pace on to me, but God.

Because there is Him, I will rise above the storm. Because there is Him, I will forgive, myself and others. Because there is Him, I will continue to strive and being a better and wiser person, despite so much discouragements and doubts. I do not understand much, in fact, I feel like I am more confused than ever at this moment, but I know He will give me the answers one day. Life is hard, complicated and tiring, but I will find my peace in Him one day.

God, give me the ability to see clearly the border-line in life and the wisdom not to cross them. Help me never to stray over the narrow lines between self awareness and self-centredness.