Jesus, I trust in You

A few days ago, because of things which have not been going on too well for me, I seek comfort in God through some of my bookmarked websites, one of them requires me to say 'Jesus, I trust in You' many times until I really mean it.

I said it a lot of times, but didn't feel like meaning it.

I prayed hard, asking God to again, open my as-usual-narrowed-and-foolish mind. He did.

Many thoughts flooding through my mind these few days which I would like to believe are wisdom which God have granted to me with much grace. He knows I know so little, because of my past sins which have clouded my judgement and compromise my full potential for developing into His handmaid.

Seek and ye will find, ask, and ye will be given.

And today's homily was AMAZING. I was practically crying my eyeballs out and sniffing away all through the mass. THIS time, God remembered to ensure that I DO have tissues with me, I don't normally carry around with me tissues. (There was one time last year when I cried so hard in the mass but did not have tissue so I had to use my coat... Then I jokingly talk about it in my (deleted) blog how God should at least make me remember to carry tissues with me if He is going to make me cry.

Haha.... How can I say and doubt any more that God is not present near me. He is always, ALWAYS there.

Just when I doubt so much this week, about everything. And 'coincidently', the message of today's Homily is about 'In God alone I trust'.

And, listening to today's homily and psalm, everything that I read from the bible study, especially now that I am on the book of Exodus, the Exodus really touch me so deeply in my heart. I really, really CAN see 'it' from God's eyes. I am amazed, Lord. But above all, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude, words just can't express it.

I CAN finally understand His fatherly love.

I should always remember, afflictions, doesn't necessarily abandonment from Him. But rather, to someone who sincerely seek out to Him, it's fatherly disciplining.

I CAN be confident in His one-step-at-a-time ways. It's written all over the Bible. He will not reveal everything, but one at a time, and ask us to continue to have faith in Him. I really see it now.

By the way, here are the readings for today and it's reflections.

Isaiah 49:15
Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you.

Confidence in God

2 days ago, I was rather devastated for a few reasons, but mainly on my exam result, and partly from feeling lonely that I have no one who really knows me, whom I can talk to. I told God not to leave me, and yet I said I need some time and 'chill' from Him. I cried and I cried, asking why won't He make Himself clear to me, or at least send someone who would understand me to listen to me.

I think He did stay with me while I did my 'chilling out' from Him. I think He did understand, despite how I don't deserve to be asking such selfish request, but He stayed with me.

The next day, the problems still did not go away, but I woke up with a really positive mind, ready to fight through the day again with a heightened battle spirit, at the same time feeling a surprising sensation of peace. I think I owe this to Him, that He listens to my prayer and crying out in distress.

The next time when bad things happen to me which make me start to doubt God's presence in my life, and demand that He show Himself to me to help me, I should remind myself of this story:

Once upon a time, a great flood struck the 
Mississippi Valley. Maurice clung to the chimney on the roof of his house. As the 
turbulent bronze-green waters inched past the second story, he cried, "Oh God! Please 
help me!" A rowboat came by, but Maurice refused to let go. A Red Cross motorboat 
stopped. "No, thanks," he gasped. "God is going to help me." The waters churned 
around his waist, then his shoulders. A helicopter took one last run over the devastated 
neighborhood. The pilot hovered over the doomed and desperate straggler, pleading 
with him to grab the rope ladder. "No, thanks! I believe God is going to save me." 

Finally a nearby levee collapsed and deeper, more violent waters rushed forth and 
drowned Maurice. He came before the Lord in heaven. "Hey, God," he complained, 
"How come you didn't help me when I prayed to you?" God leaned toward him and 
replied, "Maurice, Maurice. I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, and a helicopter. What 
more did you expect?"

Got it from >HERE<.

LOL

When I happen to read this tonight, I felt comforted, and once again found God's sense of humour again in His ways.

I am also currently reading the Exodus, and suddenly reflected on it this way:

God do not directly show Himself to every single Israelites, His chosen people, but through His representative, namely Moses. That has always bee His ways all through the scriptures and human history. Why would it be different now? What is wrong with Him working His way to me using the Church's teachings and relevant writings? I, like the Israelites, must have the humility to accept the authority He has given on all these people in teaching me, because He had made humankind not exclusive from one another, but to be in communion with one another, just as a father would like his children to be helping each other instead of raising the up individually. Therefore it is not that God could not show Himself or His obvious signs to me, but that through others, it is probably more fulfilling and enriching way. I just need the perseverence and humility to continue believing in Him every step of the way, bearing the big, the small crosses with Him, put myself out there for others. Whether He choose me to be the Israelites that follow Moses, or Moses that lead Israelites, or anything in between or beyond, I just have to trust that God is with me, and that He is delivering me, and that I must not loose heart in the desert.

 God, I really am glad. =D

In the world of relativism

God is not relative.

Truth is truth.

I just feel so sad to see the 'swaying around' and 'watering-down' of God's truth...

Catholics don't defend their faith, Christians don't defend their faith, the people of faith in God don't defend their faith.

Does standing up for the truth has to mean being intolerant? One can stand up for the faith and still be charitable, I believe. It's not something easy to do, I myself, as of now, still have not enough courage to do it, but you don't go out there and insult your own religion just to please people, just to please the world.

Esp not under the name of 'Catholic' or 'Christianity'.

If you deny Jesus in front of others, just to please the world...

I really don't know what to say. All Christians should know this very well by now: Jesus would be the source of many of His followers to be turned against by the world. Choose wisely, Jesus, or the world?

*disappointed*

To someone who has imprinting on me but whom is not meant for me

Hmmm.....

I am sorry. I love you dearly, but it is mainly memories and friendship sort of love, but I am not going back there.

Although I have forgiven both your and my sins towards each other, but I would not forget how you have thrown me aside and it was God (mainly God), and my family and a few loyal best friends, who had to pick the leftover pieces of me up and carefully stick me together again.

Plus, love must be based on truth. We are fond of each other, but, if we really want to be honest about it, you do not know me, and I also do not know you, we only know each other up to a certain point and that was up until 3, 4 years ago. That's it. We are friends, although undeniably you can easily stir a certain aching of the heart because you were after all my first love, but NOW, you re  friend to me, just like any other friend.

Most importantly, you don't just dump me aside for a whole 4 years just because I am far and because you cannot 'feel' me near, but now that I am going back very very soon, you want to 'reconnect' again. Yes, we can reconnect, but only as friends.

If I were me back then, I would gladly jump right back into the blind 'love' of you. But as I am now, who is more in love with and even more indebted to God, I'd rather live a single life for the rest of my life, than to be with someone that God has not set for me, not especially someone who would make me fall out of God's grace and light.

If only you see the real meaning of love as how God sets it, as how I see and feel it now...

Great virtue

 Woman of great virtue. That's what I am striving to be.

Earlier today, I was thinking, how I wish I have someone to be able to talk to and give me advice on this matter. But I can think of no one. So I can only pray that God give me the wisdom that I need to overcome the problem.

If I am someone outside myself, but know myself as much as I know myself, how would I like to give the best advice to 'me'?

When something happens in life, we humans tend to wish if only there is a step-by-step guide book in order to help us get over a problem correctly and completely. But there is no such book. Each problem are different and needs different approaches and way of thinking.

But what is in common, is that all of them must stem from the foundation of love and truth. The main goal, something that benefits larger than within oneself. I.e. what's the best for everyone, in God's main principle of love and truth. We humans need a lot of wisdom, and think for a bit more, and of course with God's grace, in order to come up with the best way of tackling it.

For the past few weeks, I have been reading an article, or electronic book on 'wife desired'. I read it for the purpose of trying to get ready of being a wife, but I found it to be so much more than that. It teaches some of the most important and fundamental of how a women of virtue should be like.

Last night I also reflected on Mary, a sinless creature of God (because God's grace and Mary's will had made her and keep her so), however these days so many people are belittling and not honouring her as how naturally Jesus would like His followers to honour her. Imagine the feeling of frustration they must be feeling because in a sense, injustice has been done.

It is when I reflected how painful it is to feel not respected and not justified as a person, even when I am as a sinner, I suddenly realize just how big a deal it is to pay respect for Mary, Jesus's therefore God's mother. I am glad that what I experience had actually anchored me closer to understanding her, which was something that I have been hoping for the past month.

Back to the book on 'wife desired', some points struck me suddenly. Especially this one: 'She might win the argument and thus her pride, but she would lose her husband.'

Okay, in my case, not husband. But, so many things can go wrong, as I have experienced myself before, if I don't act wisely and take heed to my emotions. I realize I am someone with a lot of pride. But God had made me fall so hard last time because of the worthless pride (although He later did come back and rescue me). If I don't find a way to be gracious fast, I could lose the peace of this house, I could lose a 'home', but most importantly, I could lose, again, respect and acceptance of myself. It would mean I bow to the wishes of the devil, and thus losing God's light in my life.

For the sake of so many things, it is important that I must keep in mind of three things:

1. Never expect an apology, or even the feeling of guilt by the other party.
2. Never expect the other party to know my effort of trying to be gracious, i.e. dont expect acknowledgement. In fact, expect the worst, that he/she actually thinks that he/she's winning because he/she's right while I'm wrong.
3. Worst case scenario: The other party might resent and show his/her resentment to me instead.

How I see this now is like this: I was so flawed in this thing before, now God gives me another chance to prove to Him and to myself that I am so much better than I was before.

Plus, I can totally understand that people have flaws, and not necessarily doing the right thing all the time, including people who seems like the most righteous most of the time.

God has given me the wisdom to be mature and come up with this, and I am now trying my best to conform my will to this 'advice'. Next I pray that God will give me the courage and opportunity to do this right thing, do it right, for the sake of everybody.

So, that is how a woman should win the battle within. Win with a graceful and virtuous heart. =D

The real message

I think a more accurate advice he was trying to say is: watch your speech and actions (or being dramatic), because you are giving other people misleading impressions.

Now THAT statement, would be fairer.

I mean, how can he go inside my head and know what I am thinking about and said, 'Don't think that everything is about you'?

Those words bother me. '...think...' and '...everything...'.

Wrong.

Because I don't think about myself these days, except for one or two particular things that happened to me but that was just at the sideline. I can think of 5 or 6 or more people having problems ranging from my friends or families that I have been concern about these days, that I've prayed about. Ranging from problems with boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, worries about the future, (their) family problems, study, social circle, etc. I even bought books for some of them (although both I have not been able to give to them), and I searched for a good website to help guide one of my troubled friend.

You want to know what else I think about?

I think about my nephews, how the eldest is doing in school, I think about my parents' health, and how now I really don't mind them not coming for my graduation even though I do talk about feeling sad about it, I think about God, faith, and how the world needs saving through the culture of love, issues on abortions, homosexuality, issues within and outside the Church etc etc.

I also think about how to properly arrange time and money, for me to bake cake or cook masak hitam for friends who keep asking for them.

I just don't tell or show to people much of these.

Now, by listing all these things, yes, I have made my own conscience and mind clear that I am not as bad as he claimed to be, but I hate the feeling of as though I am doing all these not as sincerely, because now, as though I am using them to give myself comfort, when all I really want to do, is to being able to do all these things for other people, without thinking too much about it. In the end, like now, listing all these makes it all comes back to point at myself. What's the point? See what I mean when I say there's nothing good for accusing me of what was being accused? Now, instead of naturally not thinking of myself while doing all these things for others, the accusation did the opposite effect. I keep thinking about myself NOW. How I've failed, how I've disappointed myself, what kind of mistakes I've done, keep looking for things that I've done correctly, keep trying to understand how I feel and think, and every single justifications that I try to find for all my actions.

I am sure the devil is rejoicing to see the state I am in now.

But I will bounce back though, sometime, somehow. Because who I am, is who I am. A real person, not a fake person. A faker live each day by faking and not doing the right thing the natural way, just because they think too much of how others think of them that they have to be so self conscious of their every single move that they are afraid to do anything and afraid to do mistake. I don't want to become that sort of person because of you, nor because of anybody else. I will be on halt now, but doesn't mean that I will change who I am completely because of what you think you know what  and how I think.

Advice is easy to give, but difficult to be given correctly. Therefore, I guess, this is a lesson for advice givers. Think.

A more positive-toned post on top of the one below

A calmer afterthought for me is this.

I should know myself much better than what is being claimed about me. I am very well aware of my own weaknesses but it is just that I am taking my time to change things which are more obvious on the outside. I have been focusing on changing the most important part, which is my internal self. Some people may see it, some people may not. I didn't want to overdo it because it feels like it is not natural and therefore obsessing about wanting to portray the perfect me, which if you think about it logically, in one way or another, it eventually turns out to be obsessing about myself.

God knows how I slowly divert my attention from myself to other people's problems this year because I feel for others more than I did for myself, unlike before. God knows how every night I prayed for my family and friends and the world and my future husband, only sometimes remembering to include myself in the prayers. God knows how I love being loud and silly, because I feel that since it is now my season of joy, I should radiate joy to others, especially those who I know in pain and sufferings, although maybe a bit too much at times especially to those who probably don't really have ups and downs. God knows how much I try to be patient and try to be more rational in my interactions with others, so that I could maintain the peace in the air.

I know I have a lot of work to do on this. And still need a lot of wisdom. Especially when things DO happen to me. That is when I start to fret and get all confused and need a lot of support and advice. That's when I tend to do mistakes. I'll give me time to learn to handle these kind of things.

If I am not good enough to anybody standard's, it is okay with me. I am miles far from good enough for God, I know that, but He still accepts and gently coaches me. I am not good enough for myself, but I give myself time, and space to breath, to be better, without losing the essence of myself. And I see the little improvements that God helped me to make, here and there, and feel at peace and encouraged by them.

This is how I have been doing it, this is how I will continue to do it.

After this storm has calm down, of course. =)

Rising above this storm

Someone said to me something that hurts me like hell. Not because who said it, but because of the things being said. And how it being said.

If I want to reflect on what has been said, maybe there are some truth to it, regretfully said. But definitely not the whole truth. What an unfair thing done to me.

Let's call this 'thing' as image X.

Image X is something that I found to be quite a big issue for me since last year, and since then, I have been trying so hard, with as much wisdom as I can gather with my small brain, to understand what I should do to get rid of Image X. Because of the pain that I had to endure with Image X, I totally despise it, and refuse to be associated to it, and thus, you can say I am anti-Image X.

Those were the days of turbulence. Now is a more peaceful days when I thought with God's grace, I have managed to overcome Image X. Or at least, doing better with dealing with Image X. I was not even thinking about it much. Because the thing is, the more one thinks about Image X, the more one is actually portraying Image X.

But now I am being accused of Image X again.

What an irony. What I hate, is being labelled on me, again.

God, guide me. I don't know what to do. I was so confident before that I have been able to overcome my emotions with intellect, and can make good decisions based on what is right, and wrong. Now I am totally confused. Like a friend said, I am my own worst critic, I cannot not do it in order for me to get rid of image X. But to do it, at the same time, it is also portraying image X.

The person who said it, I know he meant well, well, I HOPE he meant well, but he said it in the most malicious way that it would only do me harm but no good at all. There are better ways to do this, and better situations, which would be effective. Plus, some uncomfortable thoughts cross my mind. Is this the type of thing that he said to JUST me, or does he give this kind of harsh comments to many other people? I mean, people don't so out of the blue do this to other people unless they have some sort of issues themselves, or at least faulty way of thinking. I've always thought that Christians should fight for what is right firmly, but with the spirit of charity. I don't feel the spirit of charity at all. Quite the contrary, I feel like as though I am being targeted to be a prey like a mouse being targeted by an eagle. Like a friend said, I should give myself a break, and give others the benefit of the doubt as well. Nobody's THAT perfect to be able to tell other people off just like that, although I do admit I have always been so less of a perfect than normal people. Aah. Another reason for me to feel like I am an outcast and don't fit in. Because who I am does not conform to the norm of most people. Just when I do not think about my differences compared to others, and started to feel like I fit in.

And then more uncomfortable afterthought of these question marks, and then more, which I would rather keep to myself.

Thing is, I have beginning to slowly think and act in the exact opposite of Image X, and comments like that is just going to discourage and confuse me so much. Like all my effort and confidence have gone down the drain.

My fault either, because I'm just so good at giving people the misunderstood image of myself. To the point that someone who knows half side of me, thinks that he knows all about me by now, much better than any of my closer friends and family, and thus have the right to judge me based on half of the things he sees or hears. I hope he will not think so highly of himself of his right and position to give me advice, because although I did wish for a brother for advice, that act was not brotherly to me. Brotherly to him, maybe, I don't know, but absolutely not brotherly to me, because he really do not know me well enough to know what's actually good for me, it seems.

I can only say, I am foolish, because despite how I have changed inside, it is never really proven on the outside. But nor will I suddenly show myself to be all holy and perfect outside, and level my outer self to the standard of other people, because I need my own pace, and to me that is not being true to myself. People when changing themselves to be a better person need not proof themselves to the world, nor that they need to change according to what people think of the level and standard and pace that other people think as right.

But I definitely can't help myself to get affected. Expect someone who is not as lively, or quieter after this. I cannot fake myself to be happy if I feel as horrible as this, and if I feel like it is wrong for me to be always happy and loud and hyper. And for as long as I feel like I have no 'room to breath', like now.

I have no confidence in myself on changing myself, never have, and never will, but all my confidence I put in my God. Because He knows me best. And I know this because I have promised to Him that fateful night, when I vow to choose Him over anything in the world, and now that I put my will in His hands, he will guide me to right path, in the right pace. No man can bring me down, nor exert their pace on to me, but God.

Because there is Him, I will rise above the storm. Because there is Him, I will forgive, myself and others. Because there is Him, I will continue to strive and being a better and wiser person, despite so much discouragements and doubts. I do not understand much, in fact, I feel like I am more confused than ever at this moment, but I know He will give me the answers one day. Life is hard, complicated and tiring, but I will find my peace in Him one day.

God, give me the ability to see clearly the border-line in life and the wisdom not to cross them. Help me never to stray over the narrow lines between self awareness and self-centredness.

Using people

There are many ways whereby people use other people, and thus degrade humans of their God-given dignity.

Some of the most common and well publicized and researched about are using other human in the form slavery, a more modern version of this is for example underpaid subordinates, slacking work colleagues, etc. Another one is in the form of sex, for examples prostitutions, pornography, paedophilia, even sexual acts outside marriage sometimes even within marriage itself.

But one type of 'using people' which is more subtle and seems harmless, but actually just as bad is, using others to fulfil one's own emotional or mental needs.

***

I am a wise and mature girl who has gone through so much, whose dad a counsellor, and most importantly who has been learning God's wisdom. I can easily see through people who are supposedly 'nice', 'kind' or even 'Godly' people, but actually are in fact using me for their own emotional, psychological, or worse, to boost up their own ego. Sometimes I just bear with it and let it be, because I understand that people are just humans, and we sometimes do this subconsciously. We all are guilty of this. I know I was, and probably once in a while...

But when some people are being very persistent, this is the only thing that will come out of it: I will lose my respect for the person since from the actions seems like he or she totally do not respect my dignity and have no real respect for me. I will become distrustful of that person, and I will think, 'This person really needs to redefine his or her way of looking at themselves first, and also at others.'

And I would naturally think that, 'This person has some serious issues'.


***

I will pray for anybody whom I think is in that situation, but I refuse to let myself to be used that way. Even God respects each human's dignity and freedom of the will. So, who are you to try and rob them away from me?

P/S: Please do not confuse love for others, with self love.

Season of singleness

I am so glad to have so many good people around me... My family to support me always, and my good friends always there to cheer up my life. And it also feels nice to know that there are people who needs me.

This is why I can happily enjoy my single-hood. Because not a day my days will pass by without filled by the love from my family and friends. And of course and most importantly, God's love as well. Contrary to my thought processes when I was teenager, I thought that my life would only be meaningful if I have a 'boyfriend-girlfriend love' relationship. I am pleasantly surprised to know just how much I have changed now.

This is why I must appreciate my family and all my friends, because they are the ones that help to build me up into a fuller me. Not (necessarily) a boyfriend. God's grace allows me to realize this now.

That being said, a full person, should always be open to the possibility of a spouse, if that is the will of God. I might not be 'full' yet, but I will be one day, and that being a 'full' me would be the best gift I can be for that person, whoever he might be. I anticipate that day to come, while trying not to be impatient.

At the rate of how things are, I think I am very very much contented with what God has been blessing me with. No, I am not complaining at all! =D

The Third Commandment

Something just happened that kind of makes me feel like throwing a little fit.

I just get rather angry at people who to me seems like taking the name of the Lord in vain.

Don't simply use God's name! God is not a mean, a decoration, a topic... God is... God. Have some humility!

Be ashamed if anybody thinks that he/she is already saved. Yes, God hold out His hand and give us the grace to obtain the salvation, but for as long as one is still breathing, he/she must always work out their salvation in fear and trembling. The devil is nothing compared to God, but he is definitely much much smarter than human. Have no sense of humility and you'll easily be a prey to the devil.

Another thing. How can anybody, based on their own feelings and authority, can claim that they are pleasing to God? Even I, who is under the Catholic Church, that has the power as given by Jesus to minister, to give the Eucharist and to forgive sins, would never dare to say that out loud with 100% confidence. I am a sinner who is never going to be perfect here on earth, who can any time fall short of God's grace if I am not vigilant and commit sins. Who must at all times reflect herself and try to bring herself as close as possible to the path of holiness. I particularly don't like to think that I can simply paint the picture of God based on what I 'feel' like what I want Him to be, watered down version just to make me feel like I am at right with Him. Where is the humility? The Bible can only tell us so much, most of the interpretation has to be based on an authority that we can be sure of, outside of ourselves, or what we 'feel' like from the Holy Spirit.

To us Catholics, we believe that the Church has this authority to teach us the real God with all of His truth. I am not gonna be bothered to explain in great details. It is very easy to find the explanations, if you are up to be honest with yourself whether you want to find out the real truth or just close your eyes to the truth and continue telling yourselves that you are at right with God. Here are some of the websites for a start:

>Catholic Bridge<
>Catholic Bible 101<
>Scripture Catholic<

One most important thing to think about. What is the real reason for you, anyone of you, to be, how to say, so Christian (whatever denominations, Catholics and Protestants alike)? Is it for friendship? For the feel-good feeling? To earn people's respect or acknowledgement? To feel like you need something to believe in life?

If you are 'so Christian' solely for those reasons, or put those reasons above the main reason, (which is simply because God is Truth, Love is Truth, God is Love, and we humans need salvation in order to get reunited to God's Love and Truth), then you might as well don't be a Christian at all. Don't CLAIM to be a Christian. Otherwise people who are not Christians will get the wrong idea of what being a Christian really mean.

Building personalities with new skills

I read something which I find very interesting.

Women should continually develop themselves through acquiring new skills. It helps them to live out the best of their lives, and to be the best and most excellent self they can be.

Not only new skills learnt, but at the time of acquiring them, one can refine their own personality through the hard work and perseverance.

With my previous 1 month up, I have started to think of new 1 month resolution to do.

1. Learn how to play guitar.
2. Reading world related news.
3. Learn more on how to make different dishes.
4. Develop stamina - running.
5. Learn about classical play and music.

Will add more to the list.

Coming from where I am from, a place where this kind of mindset does not really exist, I sort of have to start from scratch. But, better late than never, ey? =D

I don't know how exactly the new acquired skills will be useful in the future, but have we not sometimes heard about how God use our gifts to mission for Him? I am anticipating to see how this will turn out.

The question is, will I be able to persevere enough to complete my learning of a new skill? I am not discipline type of person, but since I have the discipline to pray Rosary every night, maybe God will also give me the grace to give up my slothy and lukewarm bad habit, in becoming someone with determination. If He wills it, I will definitely be able to do it.

Ooh I am so excited!

One month

One month before tomorrow, I had set myself a month of nightly Rosary prayer, and fasting on Arashi and Dragon Ball. I did this for a few reasons.

1. I want to see Blessed Virgin Mary's role in getting close to Jesus. I know her role intellectually and I believe in it, but not exactly comprehending it with my heart.
2. I was hoping that God would talk to me somehow and tell me of what He expects from me.
3. I want to be more disciplined.

In a way, those three reasons were not really accomplished. And I am not surprised either.

My Christian life, although nowadays a bit more Catholic than it used to be, is still very much influenced by the Protestant way of thinking. Which is not necessarily bad thing, because it made me question things and not blindly accepting whatever is being taught to me, and put God first above anything else. I have trouble 'feeling' certain Church teachings, just to name a few: on BVM, the Eucharist... Click >HERE< and >HERE< to understand more on how I can believe.

These are very important church teachings that I DO believe in, the explanations on them in my opinion are valid, but because I am not used to them, I still feel distant from them.

I mean, I have never believed in God's nor felt His love before, until just a couple of years ago, when I finally was at my most rock bottomed period in life, and desperately cried out to God that I chose Him over anything else that I had believed in before, THEN He started to show me. I still look back in awe and amazement on how He turned my life 360 degree around, in some the darkest time in my life.

I had seasons of fall in and out with God, but as I have have solemnly swore fidelity towards God, I always found myself having to turn to Him every single time, through all sorts of situations and actions through His people, whether I like it or not. I believe this is personal covenant with Him. It was during this time that I started to know Him more personally, and feel His love for me. I am not the type who likes to confidently say that 'God loves me' since I am still very much far from perfect and weak and easy to fall for sin sort of person, but occasions after occasions He acted in my life in ways that I could not explain by other theories but simply and plainly God.

But yeah, after many years of journey from the start of me believing in Him, NOW I am feeling Him. Very, very close to my heart.

I guess it would be the same for Mother Mary, and the Eucharist. As with so many other things, it would take long periods of mediations and prayers for me to be able to comprehend these other truths, and feeling it. 

But I am not in a rush. If Jesus have given me the grace to understand and love Him, He would also give me the grace to me so I can start to honour His mother sincerely from my heart. I just have to sincerely keep believing. 

After all, He did say: 'Behold, your mother.' 

He also couldn't stress any more firmly on the Eucharist as written in John 6 : 35-64.

***

On the second reason, although I have my own theories on what God actually expects me to do with my future, but I still am not clearly being 'told' if what is in my mind is being inspired by God or not.

I read sort of a short summary on the life of Mother Theresa of Calcutta. I don't know why but before this, I had this image of her as though she has always been born holy, up and ready to serve God unconditionally. I was struck to know this (a very vague explanation):

She was living rather comfortably as a teacher until on a train journey, she was being called by Jesus to give up all her comfort and live together and serve the poor people in the slums of India. Apparently she was not too happy about it at first. But she did gave it all up and live her life willingly for God after all, and serve God with joy.

'Being called'. To give up everything so dramatically, it must be a very clear message from God then. I.e. leaving no space for the assumption that she just simply 'feel like', or 'guess'... that sort of things.

When I hear that, guess what is the first thing that came into my petty mind: 'Oh no, what if God does want to speak to me CLEARLY, than tells me to leave everything behind and do something like what Mother Theresa did? I am soooooo not ready to give up so much!'

Disappointing, ey?

Reflecting on how I think, I know I am not ready to make drastic sacrifices, and I bet God knows that so much better and earlier than I did. He would not give His people crosses that they are not capable of carrying.

St Francis De Sales said:

"The everlasting God has in his wisdom foreseen from eternity, the cross he now presents to you as a gift from his innermost heart. This cross he now sends you he has considered with his all-knowing eyes, understood with his divine mind, tested with his wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with his own hands to see that it not be one ounce too heavy for you. he has blessed it with his holy name, anointed it with his grace, perfumed it with his consolation, and taken one last glance at you and your courage – has sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the merciful love of God."

Maybe that is why He would not speak to me yet, despite acting and showing Himself in my life so much now. He is still preparing the cross of the right size, right weight for me. Such details He pays attention to, to His lowly servant! Praise Him...

***

That's two things still need working on.

Discipline. This area is definitely one of the major area that I found most astoundingly improved in. Every night, without fail, I would pray, whatever state I'm in that night. And I did not cheat and watch DB nor Arashi's video.

I had one particular big sin that I struggled in giving up for the past few years (of which now I would like to believe that I have managed to overcome, although I know the devil will not stop tempting me to sin in the same way again). I read somewhere, '...to give up big sins, try shaping up discipline by giving up small little things first. It would be easier for the mind to take control of the desires to sin....'

And elsewhere, '...Mortal sins (deadly sins) kill the soul. Venial sins (not as deadly sins) injures the soul. Although do not kill it, but could injure it enough to allow the devil to slay the life out of soul, if we are not careful. Therefore it is better that we also repent and avoid venial sins, because a healthy soul would be less likely to die from and thus able to fight against the devil's attacks.

Not saying that Dragon Ball and Arashi are sins, but in a way they are comparable in the same way.

It works. Fasting and giving up things really help to focus mind on God. Trust me and try it. =)

***

Now that the period of one month is going to be over tomorrow, rather than being relieved, I am more worried if I am just going to end them just like that and jump right back into the 'freedom'.

Therefore, at the back of my mind now, I have new 'one month' thing.

How do we call this? Maybe, monthly resolution to serve God? Haha... Feels mouthful.

Thoughts on Love and Marriage

These days I have been thinking about this issue quite a lot that it's terrifying. I have been single for some time now, I am enjoying the carefree single life at the moment, but these days these questions keep popping up at the back of my mind:

Is my calling towards marriage vocation or singlehood vocation?

and...

How do I know which one I'm being called for?

then...

If marriage life, then, who is it going to be? How or when am I going to meet him? Have I even met him already?

and most importantly...

How do I recognize him, that God have chosen for us to get together?

***

My thoughts on single/religious life is not that bad. In fact, I once thought of how nice it would be if I become a nun, and pray to God everyday, learn about Him as much as I can, and help people. I can have orphaned kids as my 'children', teaching them God's way, and watch them grow up to be children of God. It's just that they are not blood related to me. I feel like it's no big deal. My parents might dislike the idea of not having the future blood related offspring though, but I really don't mind.

But, I've always been fascinated by this thing call 'love'. I've always thought that being in love, getting married and having kids are what is meant for me. My whole life I've been preparing, and been prepared for, this path.

I had some experience with relationships before, long term, complicated, ones. And definitely mistaken ones. While the experience have embedded me and lots of other people with permanent and regretful scars, it was through these hard lessons that I learn about love the most. So much so, to the point that it seems impossible for me to believe that I will ever be in a relationship anymore. Simply because I don't believe there is a guy out there who would be both of these two main things:

1. A man dedicated in honestly serving God.
2. A man who would be able to sincerely accept me for who I am, all of my past, and willing to sacrifice so much in sharing the burden of the present and future with me.

And of course, it would only be fair to him that I be for him just as he be both of those two things for me.

The second thing is the main reason why I feel like marriage is impossible for me. All the guys that I have met and surrounded by so far are truly kind gentlemen, some very much fulfil No. 1.

But the thing is, so far I found no evidence in any man who would likely do No. 2 for me. Someone who could have better options than to opt for me, who deserves a girl much better than me, and yet would skip all those and sacrifice so much purely out of love for me. There's just so much that a guy can handle.

No one knows much or deep into my past, and my background... The only one who did, is not able to handle the future of it with me.

I wouldn't in my conscience let the guy that I love to have to face all these, anyway... So, as you can see, I am conflicting myself here.

In a way, I feel rather melancholic in pondering this. How I see myself : I am a woman with worth and values, constantly trying to be a better person, as I have promised to God, capable (in the future, not now) of being a good wife and mother, but, I am a woman with certain baggage I can't get rid of. It takes a saint to be able to accept me fully with all that I am.

I guess that is why in certain times, I sometimes subconsciously seems to sabotage potentials for relationships beyond friends, not because I am not interested in committed relationships and just want to fool around, but mainly because I don't want to get hurt in knowing that no man is strong enough to handle who I really am.

I can recall strongly the words that I said to my ex-boyfriend when he courted me: Who I need, is someone really strong. Are you strong enough to handle me?

I bet during that time, I was just trying to act cool and didn't realize what I was talking about. 

This is why, I find much comfort in knowing God's love. Talking about strong enough. He died on the cross carrying all the sins of everyone in human history, along with all the sufferings and pain that every single human being have ever felt on earth.

Some romanticist may think of this as a bummer, but, it is plain truth that no other love can fulfil a human's heart but God's love. I was a romanticist before, I did not believe in this statement before, but now, despite not being able to fully comprehend this truth, I have faith in this ultimate love.

This is simply because I can think of it this way: I might die tomorrow, I might die any time soon. If I die still within God's grace, then I shall get to heaven (or maybe purgatory first then heaven), and there is no need for me to be looking for man's love, because I will be fully united and fully exhumed in His love. I have felt His love at certain point in this life, at certain level, sometimes even more than the love that my family and friends could give me. How much more would it feel like when I am face to face with Him some day?

Then why do I even bother with this issue on love and marriage then? To be honest, although can easily be learnt, I can't clearly explain it. Why does God say, 'It is not good for man to be alone', and then give Adam the gift of Eve?

By the way, it is all being explained excellently in the book of Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II (I read and recommend the beginner's book version by Christopher West). The truth is been made so blindingly plain that you can't miss the whole point of love and marriage there.

***

I've been reading some articles on this topic, apart from as a reminder and point of reference to myself if I get depressed on this matter again some day, I would like to share some of the readings that really, to me, right on target. They might ring true in your heart too:

God gives us all a season of singleness to serve him... Before we can truly love another, he wants us to be secure and content in his love alone.

But we should be honest with ourselves, so that we're not trying to become content with him so that he'll give us what we want. If we are genuine with him, and we cling to him in our loneliness, he can give us true peace in a time of fear and sadness. In our greatest times of loneliness, he can inspire us to look beyond ourselves to serve those who are far lonelier than we are. If you notice, the happiest people on earth are those who forget about themselves. The saddest people are those who forget about others because they never stop thinking about themselves.

If a woman does not learn to be content now, then when she is married she may wish she were still single. After all, marriage does not change you internally; you are still the same person.

Your job is to give your singleness to Christ. Keep your eyes on him instead of on potential future spouses... learn to find your joy by trusting in God. After marriage you might never again have the time to serve God without restrictions.

A mature relationship needs to develop without having to rely on games. If you need to pretend to be someone you are not in order to win another’s heart, then what will happen in the long run? The entire relationship will be built on deception. This is the opposite of love, which “rejoices with the truth”.

Luke chapter 12. It asks why we're worried about the huge things in life when we don't even have control over the little things. Cling to God and keep your eyes on Him, and He won't let you miss the person He has in mind for you. 

... sit still and follow His voice, His will can unfold more perfectly in our lives. Confidently put your future (and past) in His hands, and know that He always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him. 

... open the door to a friendship. If you want love to last, lasting friendship is the best foundation you can give it.

... committed relationships should be entered into for the sake of discerning marriage. When we do enter into relationships, we should allow wisdom to chaperone romance. This involves having the humility to become accountable to others.

These are some of the principles of courtship: ask God's blessing at the beginning of a relationship; enter it with direction, toward discerning marriage; involve the families; be accountable to others; pace yourselves as you spend time together; and always listen for the Lord's guidance. 

This is a funny one that I came across:

Do you really want a guy who doesn't think you're worth chasing? It would be like a princess hopping out of the castle and slaying the dragon because she's afraid her knight in shining armor is too scared to do it himself. If that's the case, she's better off locked up in the tower.

LOL

Aah. So much comfort in learning these wise advice. <http://www.chastity.com/>http://www.chastity.com/

This time, I'm changing my blog's format again, back to the original format that I first thought of - my personal journey, more subtle, but hopefully still testimonial of God's work in my life. Maybe people who get to read this blog will somehow learn things not just about my life in faith, but also my faith in general.

I just found that it was rather difficult to maintain the rather forceful way of explaining my faith as in the previous blog, furthermore, I'm basically just regurgitate what other websites are saying anyway, so I might as well just give referral links to those websites which can explain things better than I do. It is up to people whether they take their eternal salvation seriously or not in searching the Truth.

Me on the other hand, will express the effects of God in my life in a more broader and personal way through this blog. Hopefully in a way that can relate to other people better, and helpful to others. As well as to myself. So that, I may always recall what God has been teaching me all along.