Japan... And Lent

At the start of Lent, and parts of Japan is crumbling down because of the earthquake and tsunami.

These few days I was contemplating on my lack of spirit in following through my Lent resolution, even on the first two days when I first heard of the earthquake.

Now I realize how big it is, the extent of the damage and lives it costs. And it is not stopping yet.

After the New Zealand, Haitian, Chilean and China earthquake, and Iceland volcano eruption... The world seems to be falling apart.

I can feel this one really close to my heart, because of my 4 years of 'lonely' UK uni life, Japan provides me the entertainment and 'companionship' (apart from my journey in God) through its wonderful culture, people, celebrities, drama, food...

Now I sort of feel more for what happened in New Zealand, the middle east etc...

I see very clearly how everyone, outsiders, insiders (of the tragedies), celebrities, piliticians, all have to hold out their hands, to 'something' bigger out there, and to pray, and ask for prayers. Donating is something that people can do, but apart from that, nothing else one can do but to pray. Only then I see the vulnerable that people realize of themselves, of being mere human.

Mere human.

Who are we? What are we? We are very vulnerable. What makes us strong and significant, is only, and solely because God meant us to be so.

If these tragedies does not humbles anyone down of one's own powerless to control one's own future (remember how Adam and Eve tries to take control of their own lives apart/away from God?), I don't know what will.

We humans, are soooo weak....

Only in God, makes nothing can break our lives, even as our soul being taken away from our body.

Can you comprehend now, what it means by: Man do not live by bread alone, but by every word?

By the way, I just realize that Blaise Plant, from Monkey Majik, a band which I have been so crazy about for so many months this year, is actually a Catholic. He mentioned something about 'Pray Rosary' in his twitter.

By the way, from my experience, I DO think the Rosary is one of the most powerful prayer ever. These days I have been slacking off in my Rosary prayers, not to mention my fasting, even more so when Lent starts. I was surprised myself. But this whole thing come together at a fitting timing. I got my lesson from the Japan disaster. I will fast diligently, I will pray hard, and I will give alms. Since it will be pleasing to God, and what He requires us to do at this time.

Nothing could be more clear of His message for Lent season this time. Just as long as one honestly reflect and allow the Holy Spirit to enlighten oneself. His power, His majestic, and His commandments are showing everywhere.

I praise Your name Lord Jesus, please save the souls of the people of Japan, New Zealand, the Middle East and everywhere. Amen. Mother Mary, all the angles and saints in heaven, pray for us, pray for the world.

Love yourself

I know the title sounds so cliche, for years I've been listening to it, but now only I truly understand it with my heart, and live it.

However...

It's kind of painful to see someone that you used to love, does not love himself, and does not move forward, especially when you still care for him.

You used to be so close to him, and shared your life with him, moved forward together.

Then you break up with him, as traumatizing as it was, after some time, you just wished each other the best, as friends. You learn from the break up, you learn from other painful experiences, what love really means, what love really demands, and eventually you understand what true happiness and joy is. To me, all these are possible, only by the intervention of God in my life, I can feel the fruit of being obedient to Him, and can see the blessings that start to pour in abundantly into my life, however subtle and not obvious the blessings sometimes seem.

He who have always depended on the world and its people for his own worth, his own values, would have difficulties to see what I see, and thus, what I am scared of is that, from this sunny spot of freedom of life that I'm in at the moment, I fear of looking back over my shoulders, just to be feel saddened to see him still very much entrapped in the darkness of worldly mind-trap. But I really don't know what I can do. I can only try my best to offer advice to a certain limit, but I can see a huge thick wall stands between our minds. From my side, I wouldn't able to break through it. HE has to be the one to knock the wall down. And to be very crude, he is, very very very stupidly stubborn.

I can only pray hard to the Lord, and to mother Mary, that his heart will be softened one day, be wise, and that he can break free from the chains he put on himself.

Jesus, I trust in You

A few days ago, because of things which have not been going on too well for me, I seek comfort in God through some of my bookmarked websites, one of them requires me to say 'Jesus, I trust in You' many times until I really mean it.

I said it a lot of times, but didn't feel like meaning it.

I prayed hard, asking God to again, open my as-usual-narrowed-and-foolish mind. He did.

Many thoughts flooding through my mind these few days which I would like to believe are wisdom which God have granted to me with much grace. He knows I know so little, because of my past sins which have clouded my judgement and compromise my full potential for developing into His handmaid.

Seek and ye will find, ask, and ye will be given.

And today's homily was AMAZING. I was practically crying my eyeballs out and sniffing away all through the mass. THIS time, God remembered to ensure that I DO have tissues with me, I don't normally carry around with me tissues. (There was one time last year when I cried so hard in the mass but did not have tissue so I had to use my coat... Then I jokingly talk about it in my (deleted) blog how God should at least make me remember to carry tissues with me if He is going to make me cry.

Haha.... How can I say and doubt any more that God is not present near me. He is always, ALWAYS there.

Just when I doubt so much this week, about everything. And 'coincidently', the message of today's Homily is about 'In God alone I trust'.

And, listening to today's homily and psalm, everything that I read from the bible study, especially now that I am on the book of Exodus, the Exodus really touch me so deeply in my heart. I really, really CAN see 'it' from God's eyes. I am amazed, Lord. But above all, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude, words just can't express it.

I CAN finally understand His fatherly love.

I should always remember, afflictions, doesn't necessarily abandonment from Him. But rather, to someone who sincerely seek out to Him, it's fatherly disciplining.

I CAN be confident in His one-step-at-a-time ways. It's written all over the Bible. He will not reveal everything, but one at a time, and ask us to continue to have faith in Him. I really see it now.

By the way, here are the readings for today and it's reflections.

Isaiah 49:15
Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you.

Confidence in God

2 days ago, I was rather devastated for a few reasons, but mainly on my exam result, and partly from feeling lonely that I have no one who really knows me, whom I can talk to. I told God not to leave me, and yet I said I need some time and 'chill' from Him. I cried and I cried, asking why won't He make Himself clear to me, or at least send someone who would understand me to listen to me.

I think He did stay with me while I did my 'chilling out' from Him. I think He did understand, despite how I don't deserve to be asking such selfish request, but He stayed with me.

The next day, the problems still did not go away, but I woke up with a really positive mind, ready to fight through the day again with a heightened battle spirit, at the same time feeling a surprising sensation of peace. I think I owe this to Him, that He listens to my prayer and crying out in distress.

The next time when bad things happen to me which make me start to doubt God's presence in my life, and demand that He show Himself to me to help me, I should remind myself of this story:

Once upon a time, a great flood struck the 
Mississippi Valley. Maurice clung to the chimney on the roof of his house. As the 
turbulent bronze-green waters inched past the second story, he cried, "Oh God! Please 
help me!" A rowboat came by, but Maurice refused to let go. A Red Cross motorboat 
stopped. "No, thanks," he gasped. "God is going to help me." The waters churned 
around his waist, then his shoulders. A helicopter took one last run over the devastated 
neighborhood. The pilot hovered over the doomed and desperate straggler, pleading 
with him to grab the rope ladder. "No, thanks! I believe God is going to save me." 

Finally a nearby levee collapsed and deeper, more violent waters rushed forth and 
drowned Maurice. He came before the Lord in heaven. "Hey, God," he complained, 
"How come you didn't help me when I prayed to you?" God leaned toward him and 
replied, "Maurice, Maurice. I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, and a helicopter. What 
more did you expect?"

Got it from >HERE<.

LOL

When I happen to read this tonight, I felt comforted, and once again found God's sense of humour again in His ways.

I am also currently reading the Exodus, and suddenly reflected on it this way:

God do not directly show Himself to every single Israelites, His chosen people, but through His representative, namely Moses. That has always bee His ways all through the scriptures and human history. Why would it be different now? What is wrong with Him working His way to me using the Church's teachings and relevant writings? I, like the Israelites, must have the humility to accept the authority He has given on all these people in teaching me, because He had made humankind not exclusive from one another, but to be in communion with one another, just as a father would like his children to be helping each other instead of raising the up individually. Therefore it is not that God could not show Himself or His obvious signs to me, but that through others, it is probably more fulfilling and enriching way. I just need the perseverence and humility to continue believing in Him every step of the way, bearing the big, the small crosses with Him, put myself out there for others. Whether He choose me to be the Israelites that follow Moses, or Moses that lead Israelites, or anything in between or beyond, I just have to trust that God is with me, and that He is delivering me, and that I must not loose heart in the desert.

 God, I really am glad. =D

In the world of relativism

God is not relative.

Truth is truth.

I just feel so sad to see the 'swaying around' and 'watering-down' of God's truth...

Catholics don't defend their faith, Christians don't defend their faith, the people of faith in God don't defend their faith.

Does standing up for the truth has to mean being intolerant? One can stand up for the faith and still be charitable, I believe. It's not something easy to do, I myself, as of now, still have not enough courage to do it, but you don't go out there and insult your own religion just to please people, just to please the world.

Esp not under the name of 'Catholic' or 'Christianity'.

If you deny Jesus in front of others, just to please the world...

I really don't know what to say. All Christians should know this very well by now: Jesus would be the source of many of His followers to be turned against by the world. Choose wisely, Jesus, or the world?

*disappointed*

To someone who has imprinting on me but whom is not meant for me

Hmmm.....

I am sorry. I love you dearly, but it is mainly memories and friendship sort of love, but I am not going back there.

Although I have forgiven both your and my sins towards each other, but I would not forget how you have thrown me aside and it was God (mainly God), and my family and a few loyal best friends, who had to pick the leftover pieces of me up and carefully stick me together again.

Plus, love must be based on truth. We are fond of each other, but, if we really want to be honest about it, you do not know me, and I also do not know you, we only know each other up to a certain point and that was up until 3, 4 years ago. That's it. We are friends, although undeniably you can easily stir a certain aching of the heart because you were after all my first love, but NOW, you re  friend to me, just like any other friend.

Most importantly, you don't just dump me aside for a whole 4 years just because I am far and because you cannot 'feel' me near, but now that I am going back very very soon, you want to 'reconnect' again. Yes, we can reconnect, but only as friends.

If I were me back then, I would gladly jump right back into the blind 'love' of you. But as I am now, who is more in love with and even more indebted to God, I'd rather live a single life for the rest of my life, than to be with someone that God has not set for me, not especially someone who would make me fall out of God's grace and light.

If only you see the real meaning of love as how God sets it, as how I see and feel it now...

Great virtue

 Woman of great virtue. That's what I am striving to be.

Earlier today, I was thinking, how I wish I have someone to be able to talk to and give me advice on this matter. But I can think of no one. So I can only pray that God give me the wisdom that I need to overcome the problem.

If I am someone outside myself, but know myself as much as I know myself, how would I like to give the best advice to 'me'?

When something happens in life, we humans tend to wish if only there is a step-by-step guide book in order to help us get over a problem correctly and completely. But there is no such book. Each problem are different and needs different approaches and way of thinking.

But what is in common, is that all of them must stem from the foundation of love and truth. The main goal, something that benefits larger than within oneself. I.e. what's the best for everyone, in God's main principle of love and truth. We humans need a lot of wisdom, and think for a bit more, and of course with God's grace, in order to come up with the best way of tackling it.

For the past few weeks, I have been reading an article, or electronic book on 'wife desired'. I read it for the purpose of trying to get ready of being a wife, but I found it to be so much more than that. It teaches some of the most important and fundamental of how a women of virtue should be like.

Last night I also reflected on Mary, a sinless creature of God (because God's grace and Mary's will had made her and keep her so), however these days so many people are belittling and not honouring her as how naturally Jesus would like His followers to honour her. Imagine the feeling of frustration they must be feeling because in a sense, injustice has been done.

It is when I reflected how painful it is to feel not respected and not justified as a person, even when I am as a sinner, I suddenly realize just how big a deal it is to pay respect for Mary, Jesus's therefore God's mother. I am glad that what I experience had actually anchored me closer to understanding her, which was something that I have been hoping for the past month.

Back to the book on 'wife desired', some points struck me suddenly. Especially this one: 'She might win the argument and thus her pride, but she would lose her husband.'

Okay, in my case, not husband. But, so many things can go wrong, as I have experienced myself before, if I don't act wisely and take heed to my emotions. I realize I am someone with a lot of pride. But God had made me fall so hard last time because of the worthless pride (although He later did come back and rescue me). If I don't find a way to be gracious fast, I could lose the peace of this house, I could lose a 'home', but most importantly, I could lose, again, respect and acceptance of myself. It would mean I bow to the wishes of the devil, and thus losing God's light in my life.

For the sake of so many things, it is important that I must keep in mind of three things:

1. Never expect an apology, or even the feeling of guilt by the other party.
2. Never expect the other party to know my effort of trying to be gracious, i.e. dont expect acknowledgement. In fact, expect the worst, that he/she actually thinks that he/she's winning because he/she's right while I'm wrong.
3. Worst case scenario: The other party might resent and show his/her resentment to me instead.

How I see this now is like this: I was so flawed in this thing before, now God gives me another chance to prove to Him and to myself that I am so much better than I was before.

Plus, I can totally understand that people have flaws, and not necessarily doing the right thing all the time, including people who seems like the most righteous most of the time.

God has given me the wisdom to be mature and come up with this, and I am now trying my best to conform my will to this 'advice'. Next I pray that God will give me the courage and opportunity to do this right thing, do it right, for the sake of everybody.

So, that is how a woman should win the battle within. Win with a graceful and virtuous heart. =D